I plan to become rich writing funny shit in 2008 and one of the things I did was join Helium.com. After joining I went and checked out the writing contests. Most were on topics that I have no interest in but one was to write an article titled, “Worst gift ideas for your girlfriend.” This sounded right up my alley since it could easily be written with humor.

I spent about ten minutes typing up my entry, checked my spelling, and published it. I am now ranked number 34 out of 40. Perhaps they weren’t looking for a humorous angle.

Here’s an excerpt from my entry:

If you are short on funds you could put together a basket of insults for a very low price. Go to your local Goodwill or similar thrift store and pick up a used Easter basket for a quarter. Then go to a discount store and buy some feminine deodorant spray, a package of facial hair remover, a tube of hemorrhoid cream, and a bottle of wart remover. Arrange these items neatly on a bed of crumpled pages from a men’s magazine. Tie a bow on the handle and present it in front of her family.

What’s wrong with that? How come I’m very nearly dead last? Is Helium not a good fit for me? Does my writing actually suck? Or is this just a fluke and I’ll win a million dollars next time I enter a writing contest?

Oh, and I’m on the way to the becoming rich part. I’ve earned $0.01 at Helium already. That’s right. A whole penny.