Chasing an Octogenarian

A funny thing happened today and somewhere in Springfield, there may be an octogenarian writing about it too. If only he knew the rest of the story.

I went to Wal-Mart. My usual greeter was working. I picked up a few items: deodorant, mouthwash, toothpaste, dryer sheets, and ice cream. Lots of ice cream.

I went to the express lane and began to unload my cart. My usual check-out lady was working. I wonder if my greeter or check-out lady are in fact robots because they are always working, no matter what day or time I go to Wal-Mart.

As I was unloading my cart, an elderly man got in line behind me. He said, “Are you sure you don’t have 21 items?”

I looked at him. I looked at my cart. I stuttered, “Um, I don’t really know. I didn’t count them. I’m pretty sure there couldn’t be that many…”

He burst out laughing. “I was just funning with you.”

I noticed he only had one item, a ream of printer paper, and I suggested that he go on ahead of me since he only had one item. He said it didn’t matter because he had to wait for his wife anyway. He went on to explain that he liked to pay for his paper on a separate order because he could deduct it on his taxes. Then he further explained that he could deduct the paper because he writes for money. He’s been writing for a living for 63 years. He told me about the magazines he’s written for that have ceased operations and the magazine he’s writing for now. He told me about the first story he ever had published. He told me about stories he’s written about people that later became famous. He talked and talked. We were holding up the express line.

I finally paid and told him it had been nice talking to him and hurried to my car with my ice cream.

As I drove home it occurred to me that I was fated somehow to meet this man whose name I had not even gotten. I regretted not getting his name. I hurried on home, left the car running in the driveway, handed my husband the ice cream and said, “I’ve got to hurry back to Wal-Mart. I have to catch an 80 year old man.”

I sped away leaving my bewildered husband on the front porch holding a bag of ice cream. As I hurried back to Wal-Mart I tried to figure out what I was going to say. I thought there was a pretty good chance the man would still be sitting there on a bench waiting patiently for his wife talking someone else’s ear off. I parked the car and ran back in. He wasn’t there. He wasn’t on the bench by the door. He wasn’t in the parking lot.

I called home and said, “I can’t find the old coot.”

My husband asked, “Why are you chasing some old man around Wal-Mart?”

I still think there is a reason I ran into that man today. There must be something I’m supposed to learn from him. I’m going to find him tomorrow. I know what magazine he writes for and they can’t have very many octogenarians in navy blue suits with retired Navy pins on their jackets working for them.

Won’t he be surprised when the crazy lady with the ice cream from Wal-Mart tracks him down and says, “You know, I forgot to mention that I want to write too when you were telling me about your writing. So here I am. You seem like a friendly sort…”

Writer Mama Scholarship

Christina Katz is offering one scholarship for her class, Writing and Publishing the Short Stuff, which begins on February 13th. I intend to apply for the scholarship since I thoroughly enjoyed, and continue to enjoy, her book and would love to take the class.

I have to write one paragraph explaining why I want to take the class. That’s hard for me. Once I get started I’ll end up with 1000 words. This will be a real exercise in being concise and choosing words that work.

I also need to write a paragraph listing my publication credits. How does one say zero, nada, zip, in a way that makes it sound like it’s a good thing? That business writing class I took in college might come in handy after all. I wonder if the fact that there are some Real Paid Authors that deign to speak to me counts for anything.

Finally, I have to explain why I can’t afford the tuition without a scholarship. This is where I begin to second guess myself. No, I can’t pay it right now. I just paid a seven hundred dollar vet bill the week before Christmas. We can’t pay the sales tax on the car we had to buy when my husband’s car quit for good the day before Thanksgiving. My utility bill was nearly as much as my mortgage this month. And so on.  But…

I’m still better off than a single mother trying to survive on minimum wage. At least I have a mortgage. I know people that are homeless right now. At least we have a new car to owe sales tax on. At least saving my cat’s life only caused me six overdraft fees. Part of me says I shouldn’t apply for this scholarship but should instead wait until I can afford the class.  Then again, how many homeless people are trying to launch a writing career right now? I’d think they’d have more pressing issues to deal with.

It’s interesting to me how writing a single paragraph is harder than writing an entire essay.

Paid for Something I Wrote

Well, that was easy. Too easy, really.

I have been paid for something I wrote. That was one goal for 2008. I guess I’m supposed to be all excited now. How come I’m not?

Does this earn me the coveted title of Published Author? I really won’t feel like one until I get something published in a print magazine. I’m not sure I’d even feel like one then unless it happened regularly. Perhaps Published Author only applies to the writers of books. That goal is a bit lofty for me. I don’t think there is a book in my future.

Does this earn me the title of Real Paid Writer? I guess technically it does but I don’t see six dollars going very far toward paying the utility bill. Perhaps Real Paid Writers make so much money they don’t have to care about their utility bills. I might be better off being a Real Paid Hooker.

Still, this was a first step and can now be checked off my list. Once I’ve pulled this off a few dozen times maybe I’ll actually send something to a print magazine so I can start collecting rejection slips.

January – Get paid for writing something.
February – Get paid for writing something at least once a week.
March – Get paid for writing something at least twice a week.
April – Get paid for writing something at least three times a week.
March – Get paid more for writing something. Maybe Constant Content?
April – Send something to a print magazine while continuing to write regularly for AC.
May – Am I there yet? Probably not.

I think this plan needs work.

Literary Rejections on Display

I found an interesting, slightly depressing, but mostly humorous, blog last night.

Literary Rejections on Display

I especially liked this quote:

“BTW, in the past year: 1.) One acquaintance fell into a [publishing] deal by some crafty feminine wiles; 2.) Another was nominated for the Pushcart on a first effort; 3.) Yet another got a pilot deal; 4.) Oh? Still one more got some shelf space at a magazine; 5.) I got rejected by Barnes and Noble. As a cashier.”

After reading lots of rejections that other people have received I feel more prepared for the road ahead of me.

Helium Contest Entry Trounced

I plan to become rich writing funny shit in 2008 and one of the things I did was join Helium.com. After joining I went and checked out the writing contests. Most were on topics that I have no interest in but one was to write an article titled, “Worst gift ideas for your girlfriend.” This sounded right up my alley since it could easily be written with humor.

I spent about ten minutes typing up my entry, checked my spelling, and published it. I am now ranked number 34 out of 40. Perhaps they weren’t looking for a humorous angle.

Here’s an excerpt from my entry:

If you are short on funds you could put together a basket of insults for a very low price. Go to your local Goodwill or similar thrift store and pick up a used Easter basket for a quarter. Then go to a discount store and buy some feminine deodorant spray, a package of facial hair remover, a tube of hemorrhoid cream, and a bottle of wart remover. Arrange these items neatly on a bed of crumpled pages from a men’s magazine. Tie a bow on the handle and present it in front of her family.

What’s wrong with that? How come I’m very nearly dead last? Is Helium not a good fit for me? Does my writing actually suck? Or is this just a fluke and I’ll win a million dollars next time I enter a writing contest?

Oh, and I’m on the way to the becoming rich part. I’ve earned $0.01 at Helium already. That’s right. A whole penny.